A fantastic article one of my followers sent me for Christmas from a magazine she read some time ago:
What is a real friend?
There aren’t many people who are true friends. That spot is reserved for only a select few. In my life, God has given me some friends who have laughed with me (and sometimes at me), cried with me, listened for hours to whatever I wanted to say, overlooked a lot of stupid things I said and did, and never broke our confidence. I want to make a list of those characteristics of true friends. (I thought about making up a rating scale for each of these. You could give each of your friends a composite score. But then I realized it wouldn’t exactly encourage friendship if you said things like, “Well, Jim, you only got a 6.354 on my friendship scale.” Or “Sarah, you ranked a lot higher on my friendship scale than Beth. Way to go!” So let’s drop that idea, okay?)
1. A true friend is loyal - There have been a few people in my life that I could have complete confidence that no matter what I told them, they’d never breathe a word of it to anybody if I asked them not to. Loyalty is one of the chief characteristics of friendship, and it goes way beyond keeping your mouth shut. A true friend “sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24). He or she is committed to you no matter what. Even if (and when) you do something completely stupid, a friend will stand by you. One of my favorite memories is of the NCAA National Championship Basketball Game several years ago. Georgetown was playing North Carolina. The game was in the final seconds, and Michael Jordan had just put the Tar Heels in front. Georgetown took the ball down court for a final game-winning shot. The Georgetown guard passed mid-court with eight seconds left on the clock. He passed the ball-to a North Carolina player! The clock ran out, and Georgetown lost the game. Everybody on the court, in the stands, and watching on television was stunned. The guy had made a tremendous blunder and cost the national championship! The TV camera stayed on Georgetown coach, John Thompson. He walked over to the young player who was obviously devastated by what he had done, and Thompson put his big arms around him and hugged him for a long, long time. That’s loyalty. That’s true friendship.
In Ecclesiastes 4:10, Solomon says, “If one falls down, his friend can help him up, but pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up.” We need friends who can help us in tough times, who will be there for us, and who will stick closer than a brother.
In one of the most beautiful stories in the Bible, we read in I Samuel of the friendship between David and Jonathan, King Saul’s son. David had killed Goliath and saved the nation, but Saul was jealous over David’s popularity. He wanted to have the young warrior killed. Jonathan risked his own life time and again to defend David, and Jonathan supported his friend when no one else in the kingdom was willing to help him. In one of the classic descriptions of true friendship in all of literature, the Bible says that “the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David.” These men truly loved each other and were prepared to die for each other. That kind of loyalty is sometimes stated, but seldom is real. Jonathan and David had the real thing.
2. A true friend is honest - Sometimes we enjoy a friend being honest with us. Solomon wrote, “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips” (Proverbs 24:26). We like that-well, sometimes! But one of the tests of friendship is whether people are willing to speak the truth to each other and risk a negative reaction. Solomon also wrote, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Proverbs 27:6). There have been times that close friends, like my wife, have the courage to say, “Mark, I really care about you, and I need to tell you something.” At that point, I know the bombay doors are opening and the bomb is about to drop! I have the choice at that point to value my friend’s courage and honesty, or to hunker down in my emotional bomb shelter and hope the truth goes away. I don’t really like to hear things like that, but I’ve learned to value this kind of honesty even more than much of the encouragement I get.
3. A true friend is forgiving - In any real friendship, people’s feelings are going to be hurt. Many years ago, a movie called Love Story had a line in it: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” After careful analysis and deep reflection, I’d have to say, “That’s bunk!” Love means being willing to say you’re sorry! Sometimes we need to overlook somebody’s bad day. Maybe she’s so rude because she just found out Tony asked somebody else to the dance. Maybe he’s sulking because he struck out in the last inning with the bases loaded. Whatever. We give people some space to get over whatever is bothering them.
But sometimes we are genuinely offended. We are hurt and angry. This is not the time to say, “Hey, it doesn’t matter. I’ll just blow it off.” It’s time to forgive. If we don’t forgive-and resolve the underlying problem-then a wedge will be driven between the two people. As more hurts are inflicted, the wedge is driven deeper and deeper until the relationship is shattered. Don’t let that happen. True friends are good forgivers.
Paul wrote to the believers in Colossae, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Col 3:13). Forgiveness means we acknowledge how hurt we are, but we choose to not hold the offense against that person. As we reflect on the forgiveness we have experienced from Christ, we are more motivated to forgive other people. When we are hurt, everything in us cries out for revenge. We want to hurt that person by gossiping, withdrawing, or attacking. Don’t do it! A true friend forgives when he or she has been hurt.
4. A true friend is realistic - Friends don’t sign up to be our parents, our teachers, or to fill the role of God in our lives. Don’t expect them to do more than be a friend. When we expect (or demand) more than friendship, we put a tremendous strain on the relationship. In college, a friend of mine developed relationships with a lot of girls. But he was really drawn to one particular girl. She was really kind and sweet. He pursued her and tried to spend as much time with her as possible, but soon I noticed something was wrong. The more he pursued, the more she backed off. I knew this guy was from a tough background. His parents were divorced. His dad was an alcoholic. I think he was looking for more than friendship. He was hoping this girl would fill up the hole in his heart left by his family’s hurts. That’s too much to expect of a friendship! Before long, the girl backed off completely, leaving him devastated.
One of the things I’ve also noticed about the reality of friendships is that they sometimes end. Someone moves away. Someone changes values and lifestyle. Someone gets in with a different crowd. Many times, we can stay friends even at a distance, but it’s just not the same as seeing the person regularly and sharing dreams and dreads on a daily basis. It hurts when two friends are separated. Depending on the circumstances, they can continue the friendship for many, many years from a distance. I know people who are really old (like 30!) who have moved away but stay in touch with high school buddies. They enjoy catching up with each other, but they have developed other close friendships in their new hometowns.
There aren’t any perfect friendships because there aren’t two perfect people to have one. But there are many great friendships because two people are loyal to each other, they speak the truth even when it hurts because they care, they forgive when they are hurt and work through the problem, and they are realistic. In Romans 12:9, Paul wrote, “Let love be without hypocrisy.”
True friends don’t play mind games with each other. True friends don't measure your merit with what you buy for them or what you do for them; or don't do for them. They are there for you thick and thin just as you should be. Friends are a tremendous blessing from Allah according to Islamics. Friendship is such a beautiful gift. A friend in need is a friend in deed after all
Ain't that the truth? And it's funny how women seem to be the ones who are riddled with hatred, jealousy, drama. To quote Dr. Sheldon Cooper from "Big Bang Theory," 'bitches be crazy."
Happy new year! I hope you're all blessed with the love of true friendship next year and in the future!
